Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
Randomize
