I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
