$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
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