Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Randomize
