You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
PS: I just woke up from my shower
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
Randomize