My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
