I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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