last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
Randomize
