If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
In other news, I just burned my penis
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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