well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Randomize
