i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
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