capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Randomize
