You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
