Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
Is Oprah even human
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
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