I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
Randomize
