I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
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