Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Randomize
