You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
Randomize
