you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize
