how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Randomize
