And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
Randomize
