Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
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