I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Randomize
