Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Randomize
