Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
