yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
Randomize
