By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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