he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
I think i got beer on your cat.
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
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