You made me cry and you don't even care
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
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