In the future we'll all be gay
I just peed in my kitchenbs sinlk. New low- maybe. am i embarrassed? Not in the least
tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
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