I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
he shaved USA in his pubs
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
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