I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
