Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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