You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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