I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
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