my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
Randomize
