walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
I wish there were birth control emojis
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
Brb crying the tears of my youth
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
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