You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
Randomize
