i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
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