but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
