I wish my penis had an off switch
Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
even through the webcam i could tell he was aiming for my face/hair
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Randomize