He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
