ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize