You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize