I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
vagina is talking i cant
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
Randomize
