and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Randomize