my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
