My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize