Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
I have feelings that need drinking.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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