and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
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