I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Randomize
