I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
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