According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
It's total crap. On a side note I watched a porn of 4 guys wrestling in chocolate then messing around with each other. It was like a dream come true
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Randomize
