The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
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