i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
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