if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Randomize
