I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
kool aid jammers and 151...our childhood has officially been corrupted.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Randomize
