my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
